Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconmngamojemo: More from mngamojemo


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
July 22, 2004
File Size
2.7 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
418
Favourites
12 (who?)
Comments
28
×
The street
is more naked than me.

The buildings are not all in shards.
They're like fingers or Babel, as tall
as the day they were born.  I can speak and I wish
to- these toes
are not mine, mine are smoother not covered in thorn.

Earth.  Where is the earth on my feet, where's the
filth where the weeds, taken hold, grow
tenaciously up to the sky.
Cracking pavement.

So coarse and so hard and so gray.
And I am so pink and so mottled with what
could not in conception be dirt.  Could be grease
or be ashes.  And with gravel grained in
to my soles.

Only the bareness and clutter around me, there once was a time
when our homes carried us in their backs.
They would leak sometimes liquor
that the cat of the neighbor would drink.
And would suffer.  It was never the liquor you drink.

Where are the voices that called out
Old Goat at each other next door?

Where are the voices that would not speak Four because Four spoke too harshly meant Die?

The Sun is not fallen the Moon is not taken and dragons don't live in the North.  But where is
the Sun or the Moon, I've not seen them,
and whatever happened to Blue?
Babel climbed high to the white of the sky, to the black and the blue and the stars.
But here there's no sky but there's grey.

There's no scraps.
You would think there'd be something,
a cherry or something to eat.
Or a rat or a roach.  I remember a time
it was novel to eat little frogs.
It was daring to bite even fried
something lowly like frogs.

The buildings so high and so straight.
The gutters all cluttered with what people dropped as they went and with tin
and with glass and with tires
for fires to warm me at night.  The city so naked
I've not seen a night since the last time I saw
honest light.

I remember a time that I thought
that the pelts that I put on my skin
which were thin pelts would have to be coloured
just so.  Would have to be framed so that
others could see what was sex-like on me,
what was art.

I remember a time that the words on my tongue
had to flow very clearly for others to know
what I spoke.  With my speaking so garbled and low
even those of my tongue could not know
what I spoke.

A time when that mattered, the cities
weren't naked, my body
was shrouded, there were others to hear
what I spoke.
This is either science-fiction or surrealism, depending on how seriously you take things.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkrystal-leigh:
Krystal-Leigh Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2006   Writer
I love it, you honestly possess such great talent that I wish upon what stars may speak that one day I shall have such talent. This flows beautifully and really makes people think, your writing is truly amazing. Congratulations.
Reply
:iconchuuko:
chuuko Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2005
I dig where you put line breaks, very effective. Except that sometimes you put a period and not a line break, I always thought they made the same kind of pause. Example:

could not in conception be dirt. Could be grease
or be ashes. And with gravel grained in
to my soles.

Would that be said aloud the same as

could not in conception be dirt.
Could be grease
or be ashes.
And with gravel grained in
to my soles.

?
Reply
:iconmngamojemo:
mngamojemo Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2005
A line break calls for a slightly longer pause than a period.

Thanks.
Reply
:iconmerssong:
merssong Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
great imagry here, my only advice would be to play around with your punctuation. You can say a lot about the emotion of the speaker by adding and exclamation point here and there.
Reply
:iconmngamojemo:
mngamojemo Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2005
Thanks, but a blank and emotionless feel actually serves my purpose much better.
Reply
:iconmrcool256:
mrcool256 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2005
Wow, I really was able to lose myself in this one... I had pictures and thoughts running through my head while I read this. This is for sure one of your best poems I have read.
Reply
:iconemilystrange21:
EmilyStrange21 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2005
I'm sorry that I can't be as helpful as some listed in the comments. I just simply like this too much. As someone said, it really does sound professional. I do think that you were a tad repititive in some parts, but not enough to copy/paste them down and point them out (unless you want me to, but it's basically the same as what *ArmorFelix2001 said). I couldn't find any flaws. I couldn't find any lines that disinterested me. This is a very impressive poem. ;)
Reply
:iconso-pretty-when-i-cry:
so-pretty-when-I-cry Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2005
you know what.. i think i've read this poem before.. i wonder were you ever in the poetryplease or share poetry chat rooms? I really like it, this is one of my favorite styles of poetry, your language is amazing and the tone of wisdom is astounding !

good work :clap:
Reply
:iconmngamojemo:
mngamojemo Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2005
Thank you. I've only been in poetryplease once, at about two in the morning, so I don't think you read it there.
Reply
:iconkrazykel:
krazykel Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2005  Hobbyist General Artist
I cannot crit this becaus ei think it is indeed very well writen fantastic bit of poetry you have put some effort into this i think. English not being your native launguage as well i just have to say
:wow: i love this
Reply
:icon6ironshackles:
6iroNshackles Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2005
beautiful! it feels like a jumble of words put together but they give a nice air to the poem. I can almost feel the environment which you describe. I love it! :D
Reply
:iconlonelyxangel:
lonelyxangel Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2005   Writer
wow, that is a lot of writing, huge poem. Wonderful work for sure! Totally worth my time to read it! yay!!! nice!
Reply
:iconmichiru1:
michiru1 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2005  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Very good writing , I don´t really read poetry much but this is really professional , well done and a very deep poem .
Reply
:icondisguisedagenda:
DisguisedAgenda Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2005
I really don't think I could critique this. I read it twice to see whether or not I should, and I found out its not a choice... I just simply can't. The visuals in this are so real. I love the effects you play, and how the narrator seems so empty. This is really unusual in alot of writings.... many people don't think about small aspects such as these. I really find this piece beautiful. Great job.
Reply
:iconso-pretty-when-i-cry:
beautiful imagery once again, you have a good way of using objects to compare to others.. and somehow make sense through it all.. well done! :applause:
Reply
:iconaedan:
Aedan Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2005
You write very well, especially for imagery, which I think is important. ;)
Reply
:iconarmorfelix2001:
ArmorFelix2001 Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2005
I find it interesting the number of could's, would's, and something's used in this piece, I'm wondering if the imagery could be a little tighter with this sort of verbal blur of remembrance.

Earth. Where is the earth on my feet. Where is the
filth where the weeds, taken hold, grow
astoundingly up to the sky.
Cracking pavement.


I notice there's isn't anything extra to describe earth (sprinkling on feet for example), but there's this use of "astoundingly" which I'm not sure goes with your tone, this character seems to be in a rambling haze, that nothing would quite astound them.

"Earth. Where is the earth on my feet;
filth where the weeds, taken hold, grow"

Perhaps "where is the" can be cut out if earth is synonymous with filth.

The buildings are not all in shards.
They're like fingers or Babel, as tall
as the day they were born. I can speak and I wish
to- these toes
are not mine, mine are smoother not covered in thorn.


The use of parathesis here could provide an interesting effect. Its doesn't have to be done, but I just as well point it out if I see it :)

"The buildings are not all in shards
(They're) like fingers or Babel, as tall
as the day they were born."


So coarse and so hard and so gray.
And I am so pink and so mottled with what
could not in conception be dirt. Could be grease
or be ashes.


the repetition of "and so" makes me think of gravel, a sort of grinding effect. You may want to include that with your imagery.

Only the bareness I see, I remember a time
when our homes carried us in their backs.
They would leak sometimes liquor
that the cat of the neighbor would drink.
And would suffer. It was never the liquor you drink.


First line may be a little weak, might be better to just show then take the time to say "I see" "I remember." Unless you wish your character to be reflective, but that seemed to be going on moreso in the last three stanzas.

The Sun is not fallen the Moon is not taken and dragons don't live in the North. But where is
the Sun or the Moon, I've not seen them,
and whatever happened to Blue?
Babel climbed high to the white of the sky, to the black and the blue and the stars.
But here there's no sky but there's grey.


This part truely jutted out from the center of the poem, I'm not sure if you meant that, but interesting effect nontheless. I get this strange impression that the earth isn't old enough to lose its sun to a red giant, or moon to fall back into the earth's gravity, but they might have well done so, defeated in the narrator's eye by another effect: pollution.

The gutters all cluttered with tin
and with glass and with tires
for fires to warm me at night.


This is a neat idea, but I'm curious how the gutters got to be cluttered so :? I think it would require some special reason for an apocalyptic scene to have such..hmm..creative direction. There's got to be something that swept this stuff into the gutters.
Reply
:iconmngamojemo:
mngamojemo Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2005
Whoops. Hit submit before I was done. I loved your suggestion about gravel and brought that image in, but your parenthetical idea didn't seem to lend anything to the feel of the poem, and would have been a little more experimental than I like my punctuation to get (my main desire being that my work remail accessible). Again, thank you. This is probably the best critique I've had the privilege to recieve, not just on dA, but ever.
Reply
:iconmngamojemo:
mngamojemo Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2005
Thank you for such a wonderful and in-depth critique. At your suggestion, I've done away with "astoundingly" and the reflective quality of the fifth stanza, clarified the "gutters all cluttered" imagery (at least somewhat). I've also determined that, for delirious repetitive quality, I do need a redundant "where is the" in the lines about earth and filth, but I shortened the second to "where's the" so that it's less blatant.
Reply
:iconinfra5:
infra5 Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2004
You know for English not being your native tongue you sure do write it well. Once again I'm impress because of how well this was written.
Reply
:iconmngamojemo:
mngamojemo Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2004
Thank you, but I kind of have to tell you, English really is my native tongue. I was raised in California. Not that I wouldn't rather be a Finn from birth.
Reply
:iconphoenixtx:
phoenixtx Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2004
The street
is more naked than me.

the first line had me hooked!

Earth. Where is the earth on my feet. Where is the
filth where the weeds, taken hold, grow
astoundingly up to the sky.

lines like this in the poem bothered me. the line is phrased as a question, but it is left as just a statement. it feels... incomplete. it doesn't fit right.

I remember a time
it was novel to eat little frogs.

i would suggest adding a "when" after "time." personally i think it would flow better.

in verses 11 and 12, you start each with the same line. i would recommend changing one of them.

A time when that mattered, the cities
weren't naked, my body

i like how you used naked in both the first and the last verses. it really finishes the poem off.
Reply
:iconmngamojemo:
mngamojemo Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2004
First of all, thank you for constructive criticism. It's something there really should be more of in the world, and I'm always grateful when people take the time to give me some. That's why it's a little awkward for me to say that, in this case, I'm not going to take your suggestions into advisement. The question-mark issue raises a valid point, but what you may not know is that it's for disconnect's sake that I can't change it. The narrator's voice needed to be hollow and disconnected both- question marks just have too much inflection in them, and would bring the poem's sound a little too close to comfortable. The flow issue, your suggestion of "when", I can't fix because the way I mean this poem to be read, another syllable would disrupt unforgivably. Of course, the odds of anyone reading this the exact way it was intended are very low, but I mean to make the syllabic pattern as clear as possible, and your "when" would also serve to muddle it. The best suggestion, which I thought about most, was your third, the complaint about the paragraphs' beginnings. However, I did decide that they lent the poem a chant-like quality which I couldn't see my way clear to doing away with.

Again, though, thank you.
Reply
:iconhayley-the-band-geek:
Hayley-The-Band-Geek Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2004
Whoa, this is really original. Your imagery really sticks in my mind; you did a great job with that. My favorite stanza is "So coarse and so hard and so gray./And I am so pink and so mottled with what/could not in conception be dirt. Could be grease/or be ashes." The last line of it stands out to me, it could just be my personal preference. But great job!
Reply
:iconmistermatchett:
MisterMatchett Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2004
this is not science-fiction at all, or surrealism. it seems far too real to me. it's a bleak picture, and an amazing poem.
Reply
:iconlifeisalemon:
lifeisalemon Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2004   Writer
very very well written. it took my breath away.
Reply
:icongwynhwyfar:
Gwynhwyfar Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2004
great christ.
Reply
:iconnemira-the-muse:
Nemira-the-Muse Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2004   Writer
I am lost for words. That was fantastic! I'm really. What inspired you to write it?
Reply
Add a Comment: